My turn: Alberta's secrets

One thing many people don't know is that Alberta, despite her name, has a deep and instinctive dislike of Canadians. In fact, and I hope this incurs a flurry of indignant comments, Alberta is the least tolerant of anyone I know. She bears arbitrary hostility toward many groups and/or individuals, including but not limited to the following:

slow left-lane drivers
crazy people
people with generally bad manners
Canadians (see above)
sloppy dressers
people who talk on cell phones
hiccupers
Rosanna Arquette
Ugg boot-wearers
People who mistreat children or anyone less fortunate

The best secret I have about Alberta is that she is in love with John Wayne Gacy as portrayed by Brian Dennehy.