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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Outwitted by cell phone design

While hashing out the children's summer visitation arrangements with the former Mr. Ava, I made some surprising discoveries about technology. A cell phone is woefully inefficient as an instrument of suicide. I thought I was resourceful, but just look at the following methods I tried, and those engineers were a step ahead of me all the way:

--you can't beat yourself to death with a cell phone. I tried smartly banging myself on the head, but it's just too light. Maybe if I had one of those big old ones with the antennae like you see the characters using on Seinfeld? At the very least I could poke my eyes out like Oedipus, but it was no go with my cute little red Nokia.

--nor can I figure out how to electrocute myself with the cell phone. Because Mother, aka XLo05, never let me bathe when it was raining and filled me with tales of my cousins taking refuge in a ditch during a thunderstorm (maybe it was a tornado?), I have always believed it's just a thin layer of prudence that separates you from the kind of fiery death you see over and over in The Green Mile, with sparks flying out of your head. No. My cell phone case seems to have stellar qualities of impermeability, and I unloaded the dishwasher and didn't even dry my hands afterwards.

--cell phones are also too blunt to pierce the addomen or even solar plexus. I guess I could have relied on my early TaeKwondo training and held the cell phone rigid and aimed for my trachea, but remember, I was trying to finish a conversation even as I attempted to off myself, and I needed the trachea for that.

So there you go. The soft rounded edges and the lightweight design of my phone have thwarted me. I was forced to give up and talk to Mr. Ava. On the positive side, the children have concrete visitation plans for June, and I have a new lease on life from having gotten through that conversation. Damn those cell phone designers, though.

Imagine if those cell phone designers and crisis counselors got together. Talk about a hotline.
Ava

P.S. Alberta is so much sweeter than I. Just look at that drawing down there. Together we're like the moon, with a definite dark and light side. M-O-O-N, that spells Alberta and Ava.

2 comments:

Jean said...

Hmmmm....sounds like a job for Supergirl!!! In order to summon her, you must:
1. Have a nice glass of wine, not anything dry, you need to savor all that is still sweet....
2. Something salty, preferable with a dip...or chocolate or ice cream whichever you prefer.
3. The movie ordinary people so you can say, "it's not cancer"
4. Another girl, any girl that can hang during all this, you'll know who it is...
5. FLOWERS YOU MUST HAVE FLOWERS AND SOMETHING YUMMY FOR BREAKFAST...YES, SOMETHING SPECIAL...
6. You must be wearing you favorite jammies and a pair of soft socks...and no binding items.

If you do this, she will come....and she will take that nasty cell phone away and you will feel better....

(Take care of yourself, you accomplished a major feat today....and I JUST found your blog and I want you to write more!!!!!)

thug life said...

hi miss al miss you i cant wait to see you next year